One Layer of Being a Grandparent Raising a Grandchild: Shame and Guilt

By Gail Engle, Founder of Grand Family Coalition 

& Jana Carson GRANDcares Site Coordinator

My child has failed as a parent!

There is nothing more devastating than feeling this in your heart. You know you have done everything you thought was right. You did the best you could; you’ve given it your all. You know that like everyone else, you have made mistakes and that your own life has gotten you into some sticky stuff, but still the questions creep in and take over. “Was I that bad of a parent? I thought I taught them better than this. Why?! What went wrong? Where did “I” go wrong?”

This shame and guilt will consume you and make you angry. You want to fix it and make it go away. You want to make it all better. Your child only wants you to listen, but listening feels like you are condoning the behavior—the behavior that has caused you and so many others such stress and pain. Instead, you shake your finger, scold them, and think you can shame them into making better choices. You can’t. It doesn’t work. The more you try, the more you push them away. This makes you feel even worse. Sometimes the idea of being one big happy family can feel so hopeless and far away.

These are some of the many thoughts and feelings that I as a grandparent raising my grandchild experience. I have heard many of the same things through my interactions with other grandparents in similar situations. It can be so difficult not to blame yourself. It can be so hard not to place all the responsibility for our child’s choices and actions on ourselves.

It makes sense that we would want to fix the situation, but one of the most important things to keep in mind is to remember that this is not your fault. This is not your undoing.

This may be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. But as one wise grandmother told me, “I never lost hope, and I never will.”

We are resilient.

A Love Story Begins in Honolulu 1969

It was nearly fifty years ago on the sandy shoreline of Waimea Bay, Oahu where Carter fell in “love at first sight” with Pauline.  Pauline is from Hawai’i and Carter was stationed in Pearl Harbor at the time.  He caught his first glimpse of Pauline when she was resting in a tree!  She climbed up there to overlook the waves that would someday make Waimea Bay a legendary surf spot.  That night in 1969, Carter went home to his military platoon where he told his friends, “I’m going to marry that girl.” 

And if you ask Pauline about that day at Waimea Bay, she will say the same, “It was love at first sight.”  They are still married.  They moved to Maui, raised children together, worked long careers and then retired. Pauline was a school teacher and Carter retired from the military and worked for the Postal Service. The last thing they expected after retirement, was to become parents for a second time around in life.  There was a tragic and fatal car accident and suddenly they became full time guardians to their two-year old grandchild.

“It really wasn’t easy at all.  Financially and emotionally. But with support it got easier,” Pauline said, “We didn’t know any other families like us, but we found community resources and support groups.”

In their search for answers, they stumbled upon the GRANDcares program that launched educational interventions on Maui and Big Island, Hawaii in 2016.  Pauline and Carter were among the first group of grandparents raising their grandchildren who graduated from the seven-week pilot of “Powerful Tools for Caregivers-Grandparents.”   The classes in the GRANDcares’ program focus on reducing stress, strengthening communication skills, dealing with difficult emotions, and goal setting strategies. 

The next GRANDcares seven-week program begins on Thursday April 5- May 24^th 2018, 5pm-7pm.  The classes are 90 minutes and prior to this, the grandfamilies are invited to talk story and enjoy a free light meal together.  On the Big Island, the grandparent seven week classes will begin on Saturday February 17th-March 31^st 2018, 10am-12:30pm.  Additionally, this spring the GRANDcares program will introduce Youth Club for children 8- 12 years old who are being raised by a grandparent.  The seven-week program offers a complementary curriculum to what the grandparents will learn.  Also beginning on Maui April 5^th 2018, the classes in Youth Club are designed to build leadership skills, encourage self-confidence, practice communication skills, and learn how to set goals.   Registration for both grandparents and grandchildren are now open until April 1, 2018.  For more information or to sign up, email grandcaresmaui@gmail.com.

“I loved getting to know the other grandparents, that was my favorite part about coming to the classes,” Pauline stated, “One of the most important things that Carter and I learned, is not to be afraid to ask for help.”

Since 2016, Pauline and Carter have been advocates for grandparents raising grandchildren in their community.  They have continued to attend GRANDcares’ classes and have used their personal experiences to teach other grandfamilies in the program.  Their impact has been immeasurable, very much like their love. 

Photos and story by Christine Spencer, GRANDcares Site Facilitator, Maui County